The Personal Side Of Healthcare.

There comes a time where every woman has to go for intimate examinations. One of them being a smear test. When you turn 25 you are offered a test. Having had my baby at 24, nearly 25, the letter for the test came through my door shortly after my 25th birthday. At that point, Im sure any recent mother can perhaps relate, I flat out said no. Just pushing out a tiny human made it sensitive enough. After going through childbirth and labour, still trying to deal with all the emotions that came with it, the personal examinations that were excessively painful and traumatizing mentaly.

So in comes another reminder for the test and I pick up the phone to schedule an appointment and get offered one the same day. Instead of postponing again, and again, and again. As soon as I put the phone down, I feel cold, shakey and dizzy. My hearts in my mouth as I try to stay upright, and I cant get any words out in a coherant sentence. I sit down only to go like jelly, hot flushes and cold sweats at the same time. I get in the car to go to the doctors. I requested a female nurse. I have nothing against male nurses or drs, I wouldnt even set foot in the room if it was one though. So The exam starts and its instant pain. Followed by what felt like a wire brush being whirled around up there. Fast forward 24 hours, and its agonisingly painfull. Back pain, pelvic pain, sore lady parts and nasty belly ache. Now its the nail biting 2 week wait for the results.

Now its been at least I wont have to bear it again for another 3 years. The endless letters and phonecalls will now finally stop.

 

****Update****

I had the all clear! Im glad thats over but its aftermath has definitely put me off going again. Severe period pains, a stubborn nasty UTI again. Made me tgink twice about going again.

Is silence really golden?

Ive been so preoccupied with living my life, to post. For which I make no apologies. Im trying to move forward with everything and not let this situation hold me back. My mum still messages me. Im not sure what to make of it. She told me that the nasty peice of work was away. I dont believe her and after she said that it was him that blocked me from her facebook meaning that he has access to it (as well as a few posts with certain wording that she made leading me to believe it was him posting) so i cant even talk to her safely that way. She sent me a friend request but as it stands now I cant trust it and Im not giving access to my photos because I have my child on there as well. Life goes on. My support through this has been taken away. I asked the doctor for a referal to therapy, I went, only for the support to be withdrawn because of an active investigation. What utter bollux. I had a call from womens aid only to be forgotton about. So right now there is no support. But you know what, I have great friends and family who understand. Its almost as if support has been withdrawn intentionally in the hopes I will feel iscolated and loose the will to persue this. Well forget it. I will persist. On a different note, the weather is lovely and Im off to the carnival. Couldnt ask for a better day today and hopefully will have a good time! At the moment Im watching the classic TV shows like catchphrase and gladiator, I used to watch these all the time with my mum. Well its off to enjoy the day! Lots of love to all you survivors out there!

Silence is golden?

I haven’t updated my blog recently.  That was a mistake. In some instances, silence is golden. You be quite and I’ll just stay here unchallenged because of your silence. I don’t think I went into enough detail about how the abuse really made me feel. I feel it stopped me doing a lot of things, impacted my life in more ways than one. As a direct result of the abuse that is. I went really far off the rails as a result of the inept social services and. If I had to list them it would be easier to do so and explain.

1. Intimacy issues. I have a hard time with it. With any kind of Intimacy it’s a challenge. I struggle to have sex, to cuddle, to receive any affection. I misinterpret signs like the soo soo obvious cues from leering men (happened a lot when I ran away from care homes) they would be looking for more than just company. Looking back on it now I was so oblivious! Perhaps thinking that this person wouldn’t really do that. Would they? We only just met. After meeting my current partner I knew I would be safe with him even though social services had tried to separate us to no avail.

2. Problems with going to doctors and medical issues. Just lately I have been getting bombarded with letters for a cervical smear test despite saying I didn’t want one (they are almost like the ppi salesmen now) I can’t bring myself to go. I know the importance of cancer screening and it’s benefits but I simply can’t go. I don’t want a total stranger inserting things up there. It was extremely difficult when I went for a cystoscopy and the doctor was male. He had not done anything wrong and I had requested a lady but nope. Didn’t happen. It was incredibly uncomfortable and triggered a lot of painfully memory’s. It was the same during pregnancy as regard to the doctor who I saw. Had to request a lady doctor for anything more personal then a scan. And the amount of pain caused by the midwife trying to get a pessary in was more painful than Childbirth itself. I believe as a direct result of the abuse it is the cause of getting so many recurrent water infections and the reason I still suffer with them now.

3. The social awkwardness. I find it hard to make friends. I don’t know why but I get the impression I come across all weird and awkward.  Almost as if I’m treated like someone with severe learning difficulties. I have a couple of friends. That it. But everyone else just looks at me like an outcast. Never really remember doing much as a kid.  At school, and even college it was so awkward. I’d say the wrong things at the wrong time and it would come out in intended context.

4. Constant pain. If it’s not headaches, costochondritus or chronic pain which I dare not speak to anyone about then it usually something else along those lines. Throbing ribs, knees, and chest bones. It’s almost like a heart attack and it can be frightening at times. Sometimeso even  breathing can be a challenge without feeling like a dagger sticking between my ribs on every breath. It happens at times of stress in particular. Minor things that may seem trivial are massive hurdles. I panicked because I had no music for a party and got pulled over for having a light out (oops) which really frightened the living daylights out of me. I didn’t get a ticket or anything, the policeman just simply pulled alongside my car and told me about it. Panic mode in overdrive and cue literal heart attack from which the pain still has not subsided to this day (about 2 weeks). Ankle and wrist joints clicking and creeking like an old lady’s.  Crunch crunch crunch. Looking back, the reason I panick at what is seemingly trivial negativity, is because of that abusing bastard.

5. Finding a job. I can’t find a job. Some people may say that’s my own fault for being lazy. Or its down to today’s job market. I don’t think so. Of the few short jobs I have had I found them very difficult to hold down. The slightest criticism sent me reeling and feeling like I was useless. In a customer service jobs hating socialisation is probably bot the best area to work in. I had a job on the shop floor on one of those stands at the end of an aisle and I was so afraid of approaching people. At least being a drivers mate it was very minimal contact with people. Even now at social gatherings it feels like people go out of their way to avoid me and I don’t know why.

6. The sleepless nights and constant state of alert. I am on edge when something goes bang downstairs or outside.  The closer it is the higher the level of panic. I start thinking, what if it him come back again? And in turn I stay at high alert until morning when it’s light. It tends to be more at night than in the day. I don’t sleep very well because of the nightmares and wake up several times in the night. It not very nice.

7. Constantly worried about social services. You hear so many story’s of people having children taken away for no reason at all. It is my fear that they may try and use the pathetic excuse of “future possibility of emotional harm”. And “because I was raised in an abusive setting you don’t know how to look after children”. What bullcrap. Or even Peter morby making malicious phone calls to social services. After all he does the same to my mom when she dosn’t comply with his wishes then he threatens to throw her in hospital for no reason other than that she refused him with him claiming she’s mental for not letting him in her house. He has no power to do so. I’m worried constantly because of him, that he will do something like that because I refuse to bend knee to him and do what he wants like some slave.

I will write more in another post about how I feel. I just think I’ve detailed what happened and not really gone into how this made me feel. Why should I be quiet? I shouldn’t. Peter sits there thinking he is untouchable because he got away with it. Well he didn’t. Without a care to how he makes people feel and threatening to call me mental and would have everyone believe it. He knows he can’t make me think that so he would try to make everyone else view that image of insanity. I hope that people have gone through similar things won’t be afraid one day to explain how the feel about what happened to them and what consequences they feel it had on their life.

What to do, what to think?

I decided I want to go for charges on Donkey. But in doing so it has stirred up a deep mistrust of the police and I now find myself angry at their lack of action. They are doing something but from attitudes of the people I speak to dont seem to want to get off their behind and do some work. I understand its an old case but that dosnt excuse this mans behaviour. This man has said he will come clean but his actions so far suggest he is running. Looking for a new job, at a tile centre in Solihull. Ditching his Walsall flat for one in Solihull. Or so I have heard. Those are not the actions of a man seeking to turn himself in. They are those of a coward. He can run but I will never be silent again. He abused another child. A then 2 year old at the time who has left the country since. I now find myself in a spiral of distrust. Particularly of the police. I remember being in my flat at lavender house and I actually called the police for Donkey being violent. When he found out what I had done I was threatned to say I had lied. I was under 5 years old. The police came, saw Mums bruises and walked out without a question. Assholes. Perhaps this mistrust of the police has its roots there. I find it hard to trust people in general and it took a long time to get to where I am today. Im sure Donkey will think in his twisted mind that it was him that made me who I am and him that made me able to have sexual relations. WRONG! Thats just the sort of thing he would think and probably boast about. I pulled myself away from that and distanced it. Now Im not going anywhere without a fight. He can threaten me, He can try and use my mother against me but the truth is, he will not win!

So here are the messages.

After reading up on narcasists and their tactics I can safely say the abuser named Donkey is definitely one of them. After going through the messages recieved on facebook it definitly fits him. So here are the messages screen shot from facebook. What do you think?

This is the last message he sent. Claiming to want to come clean. Since then my mum has said he gave up his flat in walsall and has a new job. Thise are not the actions of someone who intends to hand himself in. No doubt he will come out with some rubbish like “im getting cash together to sort ya mum out in case i go to jail” trying to make it sound like he is a good guy by helping mum. But now I see straight through it.

He attempted to say he hadnt blamed me and to try and make me doubt myself but I dont doubt. He told me I was to blame for going into my mums bedroom and going under the sheets. Fact is he is attempting to justify his wrongdoings and par off his guilt. He denied he knew “Alex” knowing full well I had met them. Then essentially admitting to know them after point blank denial! He knew her age which was enough to see through the initial deception.

Here he attempt to establish what you might say is a “repore” and a connection with me over my brothers. Attempting to compare his childhood by saying I dont know much about his then saying nothing about it like he want me to ask. 

This is just what I think about these messages. Im not looking for validation but reassurance that im not looking at them in the wrong direction. If I am then feel free to leave your views as a comment. Remember this man is a practiced liar and master manipulator who thinks he can control everyone. Because of this I have not covered his name because its high time he was brought out of the shadows he hides in and thrown into the light as intense as the sun.

Just so we are clear, this is his Facebook profile.

These are some of his friends. And the fact some have children and are there is sickening. Its likely they dont know what he is and undoubtedly he will say Im a liar and making it all up. Or that Im crazy like my mum. No doubt he is already spinning lies to cover his backside.

Finally a decision.

I have decided after everything that has happened, to attempt for the umpteenth time to seek justice. Yes I say umpteenth time in such a way because as much as I want justice, I know it will never come. I feel like the perpatrator of the abuse is being protected instead of punished. Which is so so what I want so so very much. I contacted the police about 2 weeks ago and was told to contact west midlands police. So I did and guess what? They said speak to my local police so I did and guess what? I HAVE TO TALK TO WEST MIDLANDS POLICE! Who then told me they contacted my local force who are to take a statement on behalf of west midlands police. Who havent even acted yet. So today I rang again to be told I have to wait a short while possibly around a week. If I didnt know better then I would sense reluctance to investigate and reluctance to act. They dont want to investigate this matter but I will not stay quite! Peter aka Donkey is counting on my silence but no more. He has said he will give himself up and turn hi.self in but instead of doing so has fled. Oh well… He cant hide forever. If the police dont act then I will. Why should he get to live happily whilst I must continue to rebuild? Why should he be allowed to roam free whilst I remain in a mental prison trying to break free! No. Not happening. He wanted my silence. He is a narcasist and no doubt will try to call me crazy if this ever goes to court and come up with bullshit lies to get out of it or an an attempt to hurt me. He is a dick who desserves to be locked ul for good and if he wont own up then I will show his face to the world and make sure the light is shone on his past so he will never be happy again.

Wondering.

Thoughts have been everywhere lately. What to do about donkey. Again. The more I think about it the more it winds me up. Justice will never be done and he will walk away. Even if I went to court all that would happen is he would be questioned, then they would look at my history and probably do nothing because of it. Turns out one of the relatives worked for the BBC. Given the record of the BBC and paedophilia and who this person is in relation to family im wondering if its somehow linked.Its a niggling feeling but I wouldnt know where to start looking as the BBC covered up so well for years with Jimmy Saville. I do wander if Sunshine would have benefited from Donkey being charged and convicted. To top it all off I found out a paedophile is living at the end of my block and still persists in tormenting his victim who lives a couple of doors away and the Housing Association are refusing to act on it. Its bullshit.

On a lighter note, I enjoyed a day out today with my family. We went to a petting zoo and saw some goats, pigs, horses… animals you would expect to find there. Enjoyed a nice pie and a cake. The weather was lovely but probably a little to morbid in the sense that there was no air. The bird sanctuary was lovely with Cockatoos and Swans. Even some lovely Hares. It was something different and really brightened up my day. Even went on the bouncy castle! I do love just being a big kid. I would get my face painted, go on bouncy castles, play all the games and go in to the softplay if I didnt think I would get thrown out for that last one! Whats life of you cant enjoy it! 

Next week I plan to go to the Ice cream farm nearby where all the ice cream is made on site from their very own dairy produced on the farm! They even have Pygme goats! Looking forward to it greatly!

I have to take my daughter to be weighed again soon. Last time the health visitor came the topic somehow got onto social services. I basically said of they came knocking chances are that it would get very ugly very quickly and I wouldnt hesitate to protect her from them at all costs. They dont need to be in her life what so ever. She isnt being abused or neglected. She is thriving and developing well. I dont even know how the topic got there but it did. The Gustapo of social services will never get their grubby thieving mitts anywhere near my family.

The weather has been lovely. But its also been sooo muggy outside. Hopefully it will cool down slightly. Its thunderstorm weather and it will clear the air. I remember watching the storms with mum from our high rise kitchen window. And more often than not it hid the sound of abuse and violence. Not well enough it seems. I dont know why that just popped into my head. It just did.

Many thoughts about anything.

Today Im just sharing about what has gone through my mind today. 

I was thinking about the abusive Donkey and if justice could really be done. If I asked for the case to be looked at again would it really make any difference even with my sisters revelations to her doctors and mental health team? If they reopened the case and it got to court, what would the likelyhood of Donkey ever going to prison be? Do I put myself through it all again just for the CPS to say that once again there isnt enough evidence to actually go to court and then the whole thing be a flop all over again? I have found that this whole situation with Sunshine has made things triggering again. I am struggling with sexual intimacy with my boyfriend. He has been supportive of everything and has been extremely patient with me. I cant bring myself to tell him at the moment that intimacy is bringing up insecurity and withdrawal. I have zero sex drive at the moment to the point it wouldnt bother me if I never had sex again. I cant fault him at all. Anyone else would have jumped ship long ago. As Donkey has always put me down and made fun of the fact I actually have a proper lover, keeps assuming I will dump my current partner for him or worse and cheat. I would never do such a thing and he is deluded if he thinks thats ever going to happen. The funny part is he is trying to guilt me into being gratefull. He actually said “Im glad I got you in stafford”. In Stafford he basically did what would be considered rape. I went over that in an earlier blog but to effectively say he was glad he raped me was nearly the point of doing something I would come to regret. He isnt worth it. 

Today I had a good day out with my family and friends. My daughter had fun with my friends child of similar age and also her other daughter who is a bit older. I am grateful for such friends that means the world to me. They have also been very supportive and I am very thankful for those friends.

So today was good and I will strive to do my very best for my family. I will keep on loving and living the people in my life who deserve my love.

When your abuser attempts the guilt trip.

So, as the title says. What do you do when your abuser attempts to guilt you or someone you know into keeping them? Recently, Donkey claimed to have a stroke. Then claimed to have a lump on his neck that he claimed was burning up. All this came about when mum was trying to get rid of the peice of trash and had a row with him. All of a sudden he is sick and needs care. Then texts me from her phone because he has no credit. And icing on the cake… He goes back to work within hours of “barely being able to stand with the shakes holding onto the radiator for support”. What does he take me for? The village idiot? He is trying to use guilt to worm his way back in and by saying “i wont go into it but when i was a child i didnt like hospitals then” attempting to be vague so I will ask more. Cunt. Its not the first time he has tried the guilt trip but I can see straight through it. One time he actually told me that when I was being being born the doctor didnt see the cord around my throat so he saved my life. Like I should be grateful to him. By trying to make me feel appreciative of his actions like it puts right all wrong he ever did. Then by saying that hes not my real dad to escape all responsibility for me and to try and make his sexual abuse less wrong. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NAME YOURSELF AS THE FATHER ON BIRTH CERTIFICATE KNOBHEAD!

Its been a while like forever.

I havent typed up a blog post in a while. Mainly dealing with the death of Sunshine. There is a reason I gave her that nickname in this blog. She was bright, intelligent, radiant and pretty. The inquest of her death threw up memories of the abuse from donkey and from what I heard from the inquest is that Sunshine had a hard time coping with donkeys treatment of her. It was ultimately the main focus and root of her issues. Donkey drove her to suicide. Then mum texts and says donkey had a stroke. Under any other circumstances I would never laugh and poke fun but in this instance I couldnt stop my joy from leaping out and I laughed… laughed again… And laughed again even harder. I sincerly hope that its true and he suffers deeply and suffers for a long time before finally keeling over for the last time. Would that be so wrong? I know its probably not right to think that way but hey, fuck it. On top of that donkey is attempting to worm his way back. He also turned around and said in a text “im glad i had you in stafford really”. He is boasting that he is glad about rape. He is fucked up and he knows is.

In other days gone by, my lovely daughter is thriving, flourishing, and starting to babble some strange words. Eating strawberrys, making a mess. Typical. But I love her. I love my boyfriend and I could not ask for a better family.