I haven’t updated my blog recently. That was a mistake. In some instances, silence is golden. You be quite and I’ll just stay here unchallenged because of your silence. I don’t think I went into enough detail about how the abuse really made me feel. I feel it stopped me doing a lot of things, impacted my life in more ways than one. As a direct result of the abuse that is. I went really far off the rails as a result of the inept social services and. If I had to list them it would be easier to do so and explain.
1. Intimacy issues. I have a hard time with it. With any kind of Intimacy it’s a challenge. I struggle to have sex, to cuddle, to receive any affection. I misinterpret signs like the soo soo obvious cues from leering men (happened a lot when I ran away from care homes) they would be looking for more than just company. Looking back on it now I was so oblivious! Perhaps thinking that this person wouldn’t really do that. Would they? We only just met. After meeting my current partner I knew I would be safe with him even though social services had tried to separate us to no avail.
2. Problems with going to doctors and medical issues. Just lately I have been getting bombarded with letters for a cervical smear test despite saying I didn’t want one (they are almost like the ppi salesmen now) I can’t bring myself to go. I know the importance of cancer screening and it’s benefits but I simply can’t go. I don’t want a total stranger inserting things up there. It was extremely difficult when I went for a cystoscopy and the doctor was male. He had not done anything wrong and I had requested a lady but nope. Didn’t happen. It was incredibly uncomfortable and triggered a lot of painfully memory’s. It was the same during pregnancy as regard to the doctor who I saw. Had to request a lady doctor for anything more personal then a scan. And the amount of pain caused by the midwife trying to get a pessary in was more painful than Childbirth itself. I believe as a direct result of the abuse it is the cause of getting so many recurrent water infections and the reason I still suffer with them now.
3. The social awkwardness. I find it hard to make friends. I don’t know why but I get the impression I come across all weird and awkward. Almost as if I’m treated like someone with severe learning difficulties. I have a couple of friends. That it. But everyone else just looks at me like an outcast. Never really remember doing much as a kid. At school, and even college it was so awkward. I’d say the wrong things at the wrong time and it would come out in intended context.
4. Constant pain. If it’s not headaches, costochondritus or chronic pain which I dare not speak to anyone about then it usually something else along those lines. Throbing ribs, knees, and chest bones. It’s almost like a heart attack and it can be frightening at times. Sometimeso even breathing can be a challenge without feeling like a dagger sticking between my ribs on every breath. It happens at times of stress in particular. Minor things that may seem trivial are massive hurdles. I panicked because I had no music for a party and got pulled over for having a light out (oops) which really frightened the living daylights out of me. I didn’t get a ticket or anything, the policeman just simply pulled alongside my car and told me about it. Panic mode in overdrive and cue literal heart attack from which the pain still has not subsided to this day (about 2 weeks). Ankle and wrist joints clicking and creeking like an old lady’s. Crunch crunch crunch. Looking back, the reason I panick at what is seemingly trivial negativity, is because of that abusing bastard.
5. Finding a job. I can’t find a job. Some people may say that’s my own fault for being lazy. Or its down to today’s job market. I don’t think so. Of the few short jobs I have had I found them very difficult to hold down. The slightest criticism sent me reeling and feeling like I was useless. In a customer service jobs hating socialisation is probably bot the best area to work in. I had a job on the shop floor on one of those stands at the end of an aisle and I was so afraid of approaching people. At least being a drivers mate it was very minimal contact with people. Even now at social gatherings it feels like people go out of their way to avoid me and I don’t know why.
6. The sleepless nights and constant state of alert. I am on edge when something goes bang downstairs or outside. The closer it is the higher the level of panic. I start thinking, what if it him come back again? And in turn I stay at high alert until morning when it’s light. It tends to be more at night than in the day. I don’t sleep very well because of the nightmares and wake up several times in the night. It not very nice.
7. Constantly worried about social services. You hear so many story’s of people having children taken away for no reason at all. It is my fear that they may try and use the pathetic excuse of “future possibility of emotional harm”. And “because I was raised in an abusive setting you don’t know how to look after children”. What bullcrap. Or even Peter morby making malicious phone calls to social services. After all he does the same to my mom when she dosn’t comply with his wishes then he threatens to throw her in hospital for no reason other than that she refused him with him claiming she’s mental for not letting him in her house. He has no power to do so. I’m worried constantly because of him, that he will do something like that because I refuse to bend knee to him and do what he wants like some slave.
I will write more in another post about how I feel. I just think I’ve detailed what happened and not really gone into how this made me feel. Why should I be quiet? I shouldn’t. Peter sits there thinking he is untouchable because he got away with it. Well he didn’t. Without a care to how he makes people feel and threatening to call me mental and would have everyone believe it. He knows he can’t make me think that so he would try to make everyone else view that image of insanity. I hope that people have gone through similar things won’t be afraid one day to explain how the feel about what happened to them and what consequences they feel it had on their life.
thelosttruths 