That deep dark corner.

Today was an OK day. But I find myself discovering new momeries that I thought were forgotten and lost in a deep dark corner of my brain. One such rememberance being when my mum walked into my bedroom with a swimming costume but I previously had no recollection of why I was crying. I just remembered her walking through my bedroom door to hug me. Then sitting on the sofa watching TV it suddenly hit me. I was crying because I had been locked in my bedroom, having taken yet another beating from Donkey. It was the reason I have never been fond of the dark, Donkey used to take the lightbulbs from my room. So thats another little peice of the puzzle. Hopefully more will find its way out of that dark corner.But all in all, today was OK. My daughter is getting bigger and bigger, learning growing and thriving. I promised myself that she would get the most amazing childhood she could possibly hope for. She would never ever have to go through the things I did. All I want to do is hug her and cuddle her. She does seem to have a bit of a cough so that needs seeing to.She is still teething and I have yet to see one of her teeth pop up. She is coping alright with it though at times it is a real pain for her.

You are still at it now.

I speak directly to Donkey.

Even now you think you have gotten away with rape. Well I am silent no longer. When I was living on my own in stafford, I was at college at the time. You came round to my house at night time. You wernt invited. You came with weed and procceeded to take your trousers of and sit on my sofa in just your boxers. you stunk my house out when I told you to take it outside, I told you to put your trousers on and you just laughed. I asked you to leave and you refused. So I went up to my bedroom and you follwed me up and got into my bed with me. you then procceded to attempt sex. I tried to get out of bed and you put your hands around my waist and pulled me back. I was wearing my pants and a nightie. You the pulled me closer and pulled my underwear out of the way and had sex with me against my wishes and put your fingers down my front parts. I asked you to stop and you didnt. I then managed to get you out of the house and you reluctantly left at 4 am-ish. You then patheticall called me to try and get me to let you back in, pretending to cry and sob, attempting to pull the heartstrings which didnt work and you went home.

End of speech to Donkey.

 

I never went to the police. What would they do? Nothing thats what. They would come out, interview me, interview him, let him go, do nothing. Its a cycle. The police would say its my word against his and nothing could be done about it. When I spoke to donkey about this, the worst part is, he said that it was me who “stuck it up my bum”. Here are some screen grabs to proove it. The blanks are phone numbers and names. If you are wondering, he really is saved under the name “Cunt” in my phone with a picture of a cock to match. This is the type of person he is. A nasty peice of work.

 

A letter Just for Donkey

If I could write directly to my abuser, I would have a lot to say so here it is.

 

Dear Cunt

Why did you really do what you did? To Sunshine, Bounce, Angel, Happy and me? You killed angel and said nothing and instead attempted to blame Piggy for the beating you gave her. You hid the truth from me and now I feel nothing but anger towards you and gone are the feelings of forgiveness that I foolishly felt. Your excuses that you did what you did because it happened to you when you was a child doesnt make it right for you to do it to someone else and blame them for your actions. You are a manipulative peice of shit who will not stop abusing because you are addicted to it, and have to feel you are in control. I got news for you, you are no longer in control of me, so get stuffed. I am happy and your attempts to lure me back are futile. Let go of mum so she can be happy and be free of you once and for all. You carried on the abuse to other women and children after we were taken into care and didnt give a shit of the damage you did. When I confronted you, you blamed me, telling me that it was me who came on to you. Typical manipulative behaviour on your part. I got another bombshell for you, I can see right through you now. So get on with your pathetic existence. The day you die is the day I will party. When you meet your end I sincerly hope it is painful and you go straight to hell.

Yours sincerly.

One pissed off survivor.

 

That is in a nutshell what I would say. I probably wouldnt get an answer from hime but still, I will have said it none the less.

The thing about social services…

I read about a Dispatches program due to be aired on Channel 4 and I thought to myself, why the fuck has it taken so dam long? after all the reports, whitleblowers, and even public outcry going as for as anti social services groups on social media. why? just why? I could go nuts trying to answer that question but Im not going to because I have higher priorities like looking after my family. They get away with murder, leaving children with unsafe carers who have been assessed by social services, and deemed fit to look after kids yet its the foster carers who leave the bruises. In a lot of child protection cases the parents have done nothing wrong, and are told they may abuse the children when its the social putting them at risk. Fucking idiots. The put children into childrens homes when fostering is not availible, only to be neglected there as well. This is my experience of Birmingham run childrens homes.

 

Leech Green Lane, Rednall.

When I went there after several breakdowns of foster homes, I didnt know what to make of it. I turned up outside with my bags, unloaded, got given a key to my room, and left. Everytime I wanted to go out to do something like go to the cinema, I was told I couldnt go because they could not be bothered. When I asked to go to the shop with my allowance I was told I could not and if I left then they would call the police and report me as a missing child. The landing was partitioned of, girls on one side, boys on another. On the girls side that was locked off for the night, the only was out was to break the fire alarm to get out through the fire door ( many times the police were called and arrested for criminal damage). It was a tactic to lock unsettled children on that side until they calmed down. There was a new staff member there, I had attempted to go through the downstairs lounge window to get out again as I was suffacating in that hell hole. The lady grabbed my back, clawed at my side with her nails, threw me on the floor and bit me, leaving a rather large mark on my shoulder. I complained to the police for assault, but they did nothing even though I wanted to press charges. The children there were horrid. One child in particular was particularly violent towards me, frequently broke into my room to steal and beat me up, the staff did nothing. One staff member put their foot through a plaster board wall and blamed me for it. Bitch. I did go to girl guides, and that was the only thing I could do freely to get away. When I went to church, I was banned by the care home, so I used to break out only to be arrested for criminal damage on my return for breaking the fire alarm button glass again. Staff were even posted outside my door in an attempt to stop me. It was living hell.

 

Uplands.

That place was even worse. The torture there not being able to even go outside, or go to the loo without being watched like a hawk. No freedem whatsoever. I requested to go to church and was refused. I could not even go to girl guides. I was allowed to go to R.O.C (rights of children group) and it turned out another member of staff who worked at the care home also worked at R.O.C, so yet again I could not break free. So I ran from there. After a while I was put in secure, at a place called Watling house. Watling was not a Birmingham Social controlled home so I will leave that for now.)

Still its being dragged up still, and yet social services have a lot to answer for, and probably will not answer for as they are to well protected and hide behind the ruse of protecting children and family courts. A law that the are hiding behind to cover up failure and wrongdoing.

Today was a good day.

Today was a good day. Even though my daughter was crying through teething and has a touch of cold. As I write this she is fast asleep in her crib for a change. We normally co sleep and despite all the trolls about to jump down my throat with their government backed bullshit about it, I would not have it any other way. I can watch her sleep, cuddle her so she knows she is safe and feels secure in my arms. I love her to bits. We have a playtime organised at a gallery, it has pretty lights and lots of toys, she enjoys it so much. I’ve had nothing but happy thoughts today and had a good day because if it. Even after Donkey going off on one (another blog for another time). My partner has been very supportive lately even after I was a total bitch toward him one night and it was totally uncalled for. He has said he is fully supportive of any action I decide to take. We are going to church playgroup every week, and just started swimming, which we both really enjoy a lot! Even in spite of what happened to me, I can  still lead a somewhat normal life. It is full of little perks which for other people who go through similar things is next to impossible.

So about playgroup. We are Christians, so we go to play group at the church and its baby friendly. We say a few prayers, sing a few songs, have a dance around, do some arts and crafts then drink some tea. Its good for my daughter to socialize and meet new people, laugh and play. She does enjoy it a lot, her face lights up like a christmas tree!

Swimming. Its a bit of a new thing, which we both enjoy a lot, she loves the splashing, and has taken to shouting across the pool, and kicks her legs when she goes on her tummy. She loved it soo much we stayed for half an hour and enjoyed every minute of it!

If you are reading this, then I shall say you can have a good life worth living, and it can be full of nice things if you let it be full of lovely things. Its be no means a fairy tale full of unicorns and rainbows, but its worth fighting for.

Do I name names?

So today I thought about nameing names. What will happen if I do? The repercussions of doing so. Then I thought to myself why let these animals get away with it? Why allow them their secrecy that has held power over my life? They have counted on my silence for too long. They have got away with it for so long that my abusers are laughing and still abusing children to this day. Donkey is still abusing children today, and Social Services commiting attrocities on a daily basis. Thanks to this prick, my sister took her life, he gave me nightmares, he is the source of my childhood problems. The reason I am scared of the dark, the reason I fear for my daughter having to live in the world where there are people lime him out there ready to prey on innocent children. He is the reason I want justice. And he has nothing to do with my success so far in life although he would like to think otherwise. My abuser is sitting in his lounge, laughing away because he thinks that he will never be caught or named in public. Well I have news for you Donkey. You’re fucked.

My ray of sunshine

You started out like a bean,

You made me feel warm inside

The most dazzling thing I had ever seen,

I very nearly cried.

You grew and grew,

I wondered when you would show.

I couldnt wait to meet you,

Time went so slow.

As the time went by,

You got bigger still.

I could not deny,

That you would be so brill.

I saw your face,

And you saw mine.

You fitted right into place,

And you looked so divine.

I look at you now,

With the same look as I did then.

As I wiped my brow,

I picked up my pen.

I wrote you a poem,

Because you are my ray of sunshine.

I love you every day,

Because you are my little ray.

My daughter is my little ray of sunshine when things get cloudy, she always shines on through. She makes life worth living, and I wouldnt be without her.

Where did you go?

Where did it go,

The time whiled away.

Whilst looking through the glass?

Or jumped over the fence?

Did you have a fright?

In the middle of the day?

You choose the worst times,

To take a holiday.

He must be enjoying it,

Its said time flys.

Was it something I said?

Or Perhaps something I did?

Will you please come back?

Do you not get bored?

Ive burnt my dinner again,

Looking for the one called Time.

Now your finally back,

I look at the clock.

Its been only 15 minutes,

Now I’m glad your back.

There are times when I can stray out of time and find my self looking on into nothing, and look up again to find an hour has passed, or even only minutes. I find it hard to remember what it was I were thinking of, so I just give up in the attempt. I loose the time but somehow find it again after a while.

What I need.

I have spent time over the years, perhaps in great detail. On the off chance justice were to be done what would I like to see happen. I could give a whole list.

• Donkey to be arrested, charged, tried and locked away.
• Mum to get the help she truely needs.
• Social services to be held accountable for their incompetence.
• Foster carers to be behind bars.
• Be able to finally put this whole farce to rest.

Item number 1. If only…. I have lost all hope of that ever happening ever. The police too lazy to act or follow through, prefering instead to sweep it under the rug. Perhaps something more realistic. Donkey die a slow and painful death and his body never found, but not until the affliction of years of torture. Ill leave the details to your imagination as im sure you have a good one but as a start, pulling his nails off one by one, dislocating every bone in his body after breaking them first so it hurts more, ripping his teeth out one by one with a pair of rusty pliers. Need I say more?

Item number 2. Mum really needs help. she needs to get away from Donkey, but what she lacks is the capacity to actually do something. She has almost developed stockholm syndrome and in the end he will kill her. She need protecting, positive encouragement, proper counciling and to know she deserves better. But what hope is there when her social workers wont do what they are supposed to do? Instead allowing it to happen around them.

Item number 3. HAHAHAHAHAHA! When that day comes the whole system will come crashing down around them. They have gotten away with it for too long and the whole network that is supposed to prevent this from happening has become complicit and enabling.

Item number 4. These foster carers have been protected by social services, and in turn have done nothing to safeguard children properly. I would like to see them charged and to do time for it, and never be allowed to foster ever again. But that is wishfull thinking.

Item number 5. That appears to be a long way down the road but a goal I hope to see achieved one day. Maybe one day I can truely move on and get justice. With so much to uncover and so much digging to do, I wonder if there is a JCB in the world big enough to dig through everything. I will always keep on hoping, trying until I get justice.

Lets think positive for a change.

Instead of writing about the storm, lets do something a little different.  Lets sum up everything good in my life. As I have said before, the biggest “up yours” to an abuser is a to walk away and lead a good life far beyond what they could dream of.

1. It will always be number one! My lovely daughter who is my absolute angel and I couldn’t be without her. She is my best acheivement to date and worth every bit of love I have and more. I will do anything for her no matter what.
2. My boyfriend. Who helped me out of a dark place and put up with a lot of shit. Who never once pushed for sex for nearly a year when I explained some of what happened, he waited until I was comfortable.
3. My home. Although a work in progress it is cosy, well decorated, warm and a safe place. From the conditions I see Donkey live in which is basically a shit tip, I live in a palace. Yet another one up on him.
4. My extended family. Some did not like me at first but the sort of warmed to me eventually. Some of them cant be bothered, but Just last week I saw some of them make an effort for my daughters christening. The ones that couldnt be assed missed all the fun. The rest of us enjoyed ourself!
5. All the little things. Toys in my daughters room, whom I spend most of my money on before my bills but wouldnt have it any other way. Food in the cupboards, there is always something in them as well as the fridge freezer. Clothes on our back, we all have decent clothes to wear and shoes on our feet. My car, a means to take my daughter places like the beach for nice days out, or to go swimming with her. She has yet to go and I will blog about that when she does.
6. Good friends. I have been fortunate to make friends where I live who would bend over backwards for you and cant help you enough. Those people are also my daughters Godparents.

This is just some of the things that have gone right. I hope things can go right for others like they have with me even though the worst things have happened.